I have been given the blessing to go to Rimini, Italy to study abroad this summer. I still don’t feel the excitement…it hasn’t hit me yet, I bet is normal, as an undocumented student I honestly am in shock.
It is very funny, in some twisted way, that two-and-a-half years ago I couldn’t go to San Diego, Arizona, certain parts of Texas, Temecula and countless other places without the fear of being deported, or God forbid my parents. It is almost existential, surreal, a joke, that I would be able to go to Italy…and I AM (so weird…well hopefully) goint to Italy. My good fortune feels almost cruel at times, I think about all those unDACAmented individuals that can’t work legally and have deportation on the back of their minds, or unDACAmented students that see the possibilities of DACA and can’t have the opportunity, or non-AB 540 students, that can’t even pay in-state-tuition. Even within our community we have individuals that are highly privileged than others, I am one of them.
I am privileged. I study at one of the best universities in the world, UCLA, I live in one of the most famous cities in the world, Los Angeles, I have eaten at the Beverly Hills Wilshire Hotel (the pretty woman hotel), wow am I lucky! And now, I am going to Europe for 45 days. I even buy bras at Victoria’s Secret (say holla! For expensive!).
I don’t deserve this.
God gives you things you don’t deserve, that is how immense is His grace is to us, but I still ask, why me of all the deserving people? I will never know.
Two days ago I got the news that a CEO will buy me my plane ticket, another guilt trip AND grateful feeling. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, it just saddens me, and confuses me, why am I being so lucky. It is true, I have fought, tried, cried, and never gave up, but boy, oh, boy! Others (many more than me) have tried HARDER, so why not them? I will never know.
So it brings me to today, Saturday March 14 and the middle of finals (I should be doing my work), I have been looking at trains and air plane trips and Rome and contemplating what I am going to do after I come back from Italy, you see on June I will be graduating UCLA.
This is too much for me, all these new things are happening and I get ichy (no really I get itchy…I am itchy right now) so now I am here writing to you guys, life is scary, scary as hell, very uncertain, but just keep doing and walking and going. You will eventually stumble on something great! Undocumented or not, don’t let life scare you to the point of inaction, let it scare you, scare you that you get itchy, but let that itchiness be your motivation to just do it and not be a wimp!
I know this page is heavily informational and educational, but I do like to share my experiences, just to let you know that you are not alone on feeling underserving or scared as hell, and also to show our documented brothers and sisters that we feel the same things as them.
P.S. Soon I will post on how to fundraise and approach companies or corporations for sponsorships! (Ok, I was embarrased to ask for money, but hey! You gotta do what chu gotta do) and obviously, plane ticket information, trains information.